Illusions...
Nov. 16th, 2007 05:03 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png)
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The first thing stepping out of Flux was the peace.
Do you know what it’s like, going from Awake to Anger?
To not have that, to escape from the wanting-to-tear-out-throats rage that always means that people flinch… thank fuckin’ god. Meg hugged me and laughed when I said I could help out with the kids, but that’s not the biggest thing – just the first thing.
The biggest thing was Seeing. I’ve been walking dead – asleep. In spite of where I didn’t sleep, I couldn’t See anything. The world was fogged – even when the Charms were on me to view the Realm and Shadow at once. It was like watching through 3D glasses; everything off. Or like being colour blind after seeing everything.
Now, people glow like winds and the breezes laugh and dance. The buildings rot or rebuild or protect; the trees root deep and strong into history and into the future as much as into London clay.
Smack leered at me, and laughed when I punched him for it – said it wasn’t the same. Wasn’t as much spark. He was right, and I know why. It’s the bit where I couldn’t go near the kids not because of what they’d think of me, but because of what I might do to them if I got twitchy. I don’t storm around like a PMT-screwed psycho.
I can rest. Rest, and watch the world move, and feel its heart beat, deep inside my ribs instead of resting round my neck. I can reach my hands out and hold the whole of the City in my arms, cradle it close and see where it hurts – and I can _do something about it_.
So I’ll wrap myself in awareness of the world (and of the dangers – I’d be stupid to forget the spear flying and Sulien’s righteousness, along with Jamie and his staff knocking it out of the way) and I’ll go weave the holes shut and darn the tears and …
Maybe I can be what I was meant to be. I might not have the Avatar that gave me my monsters and my City, but Flux has given me a bit of itself instead. No more Gaian Oversoul, but not my true heart. A spark of Change where once was Prometheus’ secret. And yes, I know who he was – I’m not stupid.
And like I promised, I’ll read books. Read books and bargain with jackals and curtsey to spiders and make my City whole. Because if you don’t keep your promises, you’re not worth anything.
But I’ve got time, now – to keep promises and to paint the town and to make things Right.
I don’t want to sleep – I don’t want to miss a minute of the world.
My City is beautiful.
Do you know what it’s like, going from Awake to Anger?
To not have that, to escape from the wanting-to-tear-out-throats rage that always means that people flinch… thank fuckin’ god. Meg hugged me and laughed when I said I could help out with the kids, but that’s not the biggest thing – just the first thing.
The biggest thing was Seeing. I’ve been walking dead – asleep. In spite of where I didn’t sleep, I couldn’t See anything. The world was fogged – even when the Charms were on me to view the Realm and Shadow at once. It was like watching through 3D glasses; everything off. Or like being colour blind after seeing everything.
Now, people glow like winds and the breezes laugh and dance. The buildings rot or rebuild or protect; the trees root deep and strong into history and into the future as much as into London clay.
Smack leered at me, and laughed when I punched him for it – said it wasn’t the same. Wasn’t as much spark. He was right, and I know why. It’s the bit where I couldn’t go near the kids not because of what they’d think of me, but because of what I might do to them if I got twitchy. I don’t storm around like a PMT-screwed psycho.
I can rest. Rest, and watch the world move, and feel its heart beat, deep inside my ribs instead of resting round my neck. I can reach my hands out and hold the whole of the City in my arms, cradle it close and see where it hurts – and I can _do something about it_.
So I’ll wrap myself in awareness of the world (and of the dangers – I’d be stupid to forget the spear flying and Sulien’s righteousness, along with Jamie and his staff knocking it out of the way) and I’ll go weave the holes shut and darn the tears and …
Maybe I can be what I was meant to be. I might not have the Avatar that gave me my monsters and my City, but Flux has given me a bit of itself instead. No more Gaian Oversoul, but not my true heart. A spark of Change where once was Prometheus’ secret. And yes, I know who he was – I’m not stupid.
And like I promised, I’ll read books. Read books and bargain with jackals and curtsey to spiders and make my City whole. Because if you don’t keep your promises, you’re not worth anything.
But I’ve got time, now – to keep promises and to paint the town and to make things Right.
I don’t want to sleep – I don’t want to miss a minute of the world.
My City is beautiful.