Insomnia

[adze.livejournal.com]

It's late, and I can't sleep. The pain in my chest has come back, and I'm lying here, staring into the darkness where I know the ceiling should be, listening to the rain.

Meg's curled up beside me, facing the wall, fast asleep, and I'm trying not to let my restlessness wake her. If she was awake, it'd just make things worse.

See, it's not the pain in my chest, or the difficulty breathing I've had for the last few weeks, that's keeping me awake. It feels like my life is coming to a crossroads, but someone else is in control. A little while back, we were talking about leaving here, leaving London, and just getting away from everything and everyone. I've mainly had enough of it here - the place is beating me down, again and again, with everything that goes on, and the feeling like we're not making any kind of difference. Any victory we make is phyrric, at best - my chest attests to that - and we get so few of them that I can't see how to make it better, and I wonder if this ungrateful city doesn't just want us to fail anyway.

I'd asked Mark if he knew anyone who could sort out some passports for people who don't have real IDs anywhere, and he said he'd try to find out, but I've not heard anything since.

All the talk about Shadow and Aeryn made it feel more urgent. If people are looking their way, then they're also looking our way at the same time, and I know how much trouble I'll get in if Meg and I are caught. So getting away felt right.

But after what happened at Biers the other week, I don't know if it matters anymore. I should've moved faster, thought faster, done something better, to try to stop Scarlet from what she was doing to Jack, but I wanted to give Paul his chance to do something, and by then it was too late. I know if it had been Meg there, instead of Jack, nothing would have stopped me, but I just couldn't quite bring myself to act without giving the bouncer, and the bar owner their chance.

I can feel my irriation and my anger at myself starting to rise, so I slide out of bed, and sit at the top of the ladder, dangling my legs over the edge, and staring out of the window.

Meg had been really upset by what she'd seen in Biers, and I could understand why, but what happened next I hadn't expected. When I'd gone out to talk to her, she'd been on the phone to someone, offering them anything if they helped Jack. It turns out that was Fergal.

A few days later, she talked to him again. I don't know who called who, or what was said just that she'd been crying afterwards, then went out for the night, flying. She came home early the next morning, slipped into bed, and wouldn't talk about it.

She never does. Whatever the problem is, whatever's going on, she won't talk about anything that's bothering her, and there's nothing I can ever do to make her open up. I love her, but she drives me crazy when she does this. I know there's something, but I can never tell what.

But I know what I'd be doing, if I was him. I'd be finding something to help, although I don't know what, then I'd get her to come back to Ireland. I know he's tried before, and Sulien's refused to make it happen, but Meg's playing straight into his hands, as far as I can tell.

So, I'm stuck. We can't leave, with all this hanging over her, because her Geas will kill her if Fergal does anything. There's no way to get her out of the deal she's made with him, so the only thing I can think of to do is to try to get Jack out of there first. But there's only two or three Garou I can think of who I can count on to help without Fergal maybe finding some way of taking some credit for it, and none of them are in this country any more - two of them are in Brazil, and one of them... I have no idea where he is. So, I'm left with Tolly, and the Mummies, and that's about it, who I can possibly call on. But if Tolly isn't spending all his time in a hotel for no apparent reason, then he's spending it with the guy who apparently claims to be an avatar of Helios.

I'm alone on this one, and I know I can't do it on my own. But all that means is that I can't do it, and I have to do it.

At the back of my mind, though, there's another thought, and it's not one I want to dwell on too much. What if she actually wants to go back to Ireland, back to Fergal, and back to Caitlin? She still loves him, is still married to him, and won't divorce him, because she believes it's a deal made until death. She loves me, and she says I make her happy, but I can't help but wonder if she'd go back there. I've always told myself that the one thing that would make me back off from her would be if it came down to a choice between me or her daughter - I can't, and shouldn't, compete with that. But I want to.

Maybe there's an answer out there, something I've missed, or something I can do to make it all work, but right now all I can see is her leaving, no matter what I do.

So, I stare out of the window, and I wait for the dawn, and I hope and I pray that I can find that answer, but deep in the bottom of all that, I know I'm praying for the strength to cope without her.

Comments

[pmp.livejournal.com]

Wow...

Are you sure you should be going through all that MSR stress right now???

[adze.livejournal.com]

Yes.

There's no other way to deal with it - I can either play through it all, and have a chance to do something about it, or I can not play through it, and be stressed out by the fact that I couldn't do anything about it.

And it is fun. Sometimes it's stressful, but it's not bad stress, if that makes sense.

[pmp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that does make sense.

[annwfyn.livejournal.com]

I'm troublesome, aren't I?

(tis a v nice story btw)

[adze.livejournal.com]

Yes, you are.

(And thanks - I have an Aidan story to write, but I've not managed to get round to it yet)

[colonel-maxim.livejournal.com]

Very well written, nice work.