Choices

[lanfykins.livejournal.com]

She's used to nightmares.

They started back when she was pregnant. For all she airily assured Gaelen that her child wasn't Daniel's, the dates were far too close for comfort. She dreamed often, back then, of waking to find herself in Crinos form, and her metis child tearing its way out of her. Or of Changing for some trivial task and killing her baby unborn. Or of her child being born twisted. Or of it dying as she watched on, of her own inability to reach out and touch it.

She guesses she's kind of got into the habit.

So she isn't entirely surprised when she steps out of a dream of Robin's corpse pursuing her, repeating to her the words that had cut her like knives, into an eerily quiet pub with Daniel at the other end.

"No," she says, and turns round to where the door ought to be. She absolutely can't deal with this.

Daniel stands. "Hey, look, I know this is rude, but I heard you weren't dead."

"Not. This," she mutters through gritted teeth, willing the dream to change.

She hears his footsteps approach her. "It's OK, Sulien. Nothing bad is going to happen here."

"Really," she says with irony. But instead of closing with her as she expects his steps stop several yards away. She's used to nightmares, but this feels... different. Too real. Far too real. She takes a few deep breaths, and turns back to him. "Dreamspeaking?"

"I'm sorry. I thought you'd realise." The gentleman as always.

He has no idea she knows. She'll have to play along, pretend to be fooled, lure him into some kind of trap.

There's a Spiral in my head.

"Yeah, well I'm a bit slow today. Dying will do that to a person," she says with bitter irony.

There's a Spiral in my head.

He grins. "We're over in Shanghai at the moment, and I heard spirits speak of some unrelenting hardass who wouldn't die. I thought of you."

There's a Spiral in my head.

"Right." She looks at him, and tries to think, through the chaos, of what she might have said before everything fell apart. "So what is it you want? Or did you really invade my dreams from halfway across the world just to say welcome back?"

He's a fucking Spiral and he's in my fucking head.

"I wanted to see if you were really you, which I see you are. And I wanted to see how you were - whether your kin were OK because when the world came crashing down I realised they had no one to watch them in this broken world." He shrugs. "But I see I'm not welcome here. I'll leave you to your sleep."

She has to do better than this. Has to. But over Daniel's words she can still hear the black irony in Robin's voice, the viciousness that's taken the place of humour. Yesterday she would have been able to do this. Tomorrow she would have been able to do this. But today the ghosts of Caragh and Lolly lie across this conversation and she does not, absolutely not, have any ability to pretend to be a Spiral's friend.

Shit.

"So you're a Spiral."

"I prefer the term Black Spiral Dancer. Spiral takes the least important part of what we are and makes it a nickname. How did you find out?"

"As if I'm going to tell you." She leans back against the bar. "So. Any chance we can cut the crap and cut to the chase?"

"Well, cutting to the chase was generally going to be luring you in and finding out more about your resurrection. Seeing if you were as focused post-mortem as pre. You guys really did have the Perfect Metis at the caern?"

"Rumour has it you ought to know."

"I'm gutted to say that we don't. We were yards away from him and didn't know it. And sadly his defenders were too dead to tell us by the time we arrived to do your job."

Like a blow to the gut. He was right, dammit, and their stupidity had killed poor little AK.

"I wouldn't know, I wasn't there," she says levelly. "Will you stop fishing for information?" Attack. Distract. Don't let him see the hit.

"Sulien, I was starting a conversation. One we need to have. One about these new creatures that strut amongst us telling us all that they are our friends and allies. We have one world with one war which is rolling along nicely. And the these new players pop up and start messing things up with their celestial powers and suddenly neither of our end-games seems likely."

And wouldn't that all sound reasonable to someone who hadn't lived through Bodmin. "Daniel... if it's an alliance you're after, you're talking to the wrong person. Go chat with your friend Stands Ready, because I'm done with this." She pushes herself off the bar and steps away, concentrating.

The dream doesn't change. "Really? Is he the only Alpha we should speak to?"

"I bloody hope so."

"Not Robin Trevelyan?"

It stops her as effectively as a spear through her chest. Her blood turns to ice in her veins. Ten years. Ten years she's endured of his pain and her own to prevent this ever happening; and after all the twists and turns, here she is anyway. At least they don't know about Rosalie, she thinks bitterly as she turns. "What?"

"He's young, committed and has been known to let the litany slide on occasion in order to get the things he wants."

There is a flash of rage and then she almost laughs. They know nothing about Robin. Nothing.

"Fine. Go talk to Robin Trevelyan. See how far it gets you." She knew how far it had gotten her.

"I know, he's noble and good and wonderful. But the choices to be made can be helped with the right pressure on the right points. I'm sure many have learned Lucy's lesson by now."

Lucy's lesson was a dead child. There's only one child left in this whole rotten mess. No, no, no, no, no "You already killed his daughter."

"Did you know that Michael Stands-Ready is in love with a woman who has a daughter?" he says, and something dies inside her. "Of course you did, he's hardly been subtle about it. I think he'd probably do anything for that little girl."

Here we go. She can't breathe. She needs to think. "Can't you say anything straight out?" she asks brusquely, trying to give herself just a little more time, clenching her fists so he can't see her hands shake.

"Normally no. I like to leave spaces for you to fill in the blanks. But for you I'll make an exception; I think Trevelyan might do anything to save your daughter - to save you the pain of her loss."

"Right." She can't feel her body anymore. She sits down so he won't see her stumble. One thing, on another, on another; and this isn't coincidence. "How long have you been watching?"

"Since we defended your Caern."

I'm going to kill Michael Stands Ready.

"Yeah. And what is it you're going to blackmail me into doing?" Robin and Rosalie both. And everything she's done to Robin turns out to be pointless cruelty after all. Think. I need to think.

"Well, first, don't tell anyone about this conversation."

Of course. They'd hardly want the Sept to know they're being watched. "And the rest?"

"We'll get to that later. As long as you keep playing along - and we have ways of checking every bit as devious as Mr Rolling Thunder - then we don't break Trevelyan and we don't touch your child. So what's it to be?"

Rosalie. Her future. Her hope. The only bright thing left in this filthy fucking world. She looks down at her clasped hands and is mildly surprised to see them shaking. Think, Sulien. They can't have her yet. Surely they can't have her yet. She can play along, for long enough to get her somewhere safe.

Play along with the Spirals. Let the Garou go on speaking their secrets in blithe ignorance of the spies. Play along with the Spirals. And she hears again the odd sound to Robin's voice and knows she will destroy him if she does.

This isn't even a choice and she still can't make it.

There's just one throw of the dice left. She wrenches herself awake and moves before she can think about what she's about to do.