Duty

[adze.livejournal.com]

I wrote this last week, before the Garou game, and only showed it to a couple of people, with the promise that I'd post it up this week. So, here it is:




There's a conversation going on around me - people planning the raid on the Circus tomorrow. I should be listening, I should be paying attention, but instead, I'm thinking about duty.

Duty. It's a word that I keep turning over in my head tonight, like I've been doing for the past four days, eight hours and seventeen minutes. I have a duty to Gaia, to the Garou Nation. I have this sacred role I'm supposed to carry out.

But don't I have another duty? A duty to Meg, to the woman I love. A duty to be with her, to be there for her, like she's been there for me. After all, through the deaths, the failures, the betrayals, and all the rest, she was there. Whenever she was around, my life was so much better. But the thing is, she's gone.

She's gone, and it's all that I can think about.

She's gone, and all I can feel is the hole in my chest that was left behind.

She's gone, and the Garou Nation forced her away.

The people I owe my duty to are the ones that made it impossible for me to stick to my duty. The ones that scared her, the ones that made her hate us, and everything we stand for. It's all I can do not to scream in their faces, to make them see what they've done. But I can't do that right now, because my duty tells me I can't.

In the back of my mind, I know I’m weighing up these two duties, wondering which, if I was forced, I’d choose. This time, the choice I made was to let her go, because I knew it was better for her, and it was her choice, and to make those choices for her would make me as bad as the people who forced her to leave. Maybe I should’ve made the choice a few nights ago. Maybe I should’ve decided which of these duties means more. A bitter smile crosses my face as I remember Jamie’s hackneyed line, that “Personal is not the same as important.” I’ve never bought into it. Not like he does. To me, personal is more than important. It’s what keeps you going, so that you can do the important things, and that’s why she means so much to me. Without her, I’d have given up a long time ago. Then it hits me, and I feel like I’ve betrayed her, like I’ve turned my back on her.

I stop for a moment, and excuse myself from the planning, before the look on my face gives me away, and I close my eyes and concentrate on her. She's North of here, a long way off. Not as far as the Pennines Sept, but not far off. I've been doing this every couple of hours since she left, just trying to make sure she's still alive. Sometimes, I can tell she's trying to hide, but for the most part, I don't think she is. I hope that she doesn’t have to hide. I hope that she’s safe. And I miss her. I wish I could be with her, but I felt like I couldn't leave. Trapped by this damned duty.

I love her. With everything I am, I love her. And I know that she loves me. In all the stories, that's always enough. It should be enough to overcome any problem that stands in our way. Only, right now, it's not.

Something Tolly said a week or two ago is sticking in my brain again. It was something about how Meg and I had split up so many times, and always ended up coming back together again. It was like we were meant to be together. It’s like we are meant to be together.

I need to find how I can make it happen. Because that’s what I do. I’ve been beaten, broken, betrayed, and battle-scarred. I’ve lost friends, and been lucky enough to have them returned to me. I’ve had my allies turn their backs on me, but I’ve survived. I’ve always found a way to get through whatever has been in front of me, and this will be no different. That’s why I didn’t go with her – because I need to make it so that she can come back. I don’t know what I can do, not yet, but I’ll work it out. I’ll find a way.

In that moment, I pray to all the Spirits I know. To Eagle, to Unicorn, to Stag. To Helios and Luna, and to Gaia herself. I pray that they keep Meg safe, until we can be together again, and I ask them, somehow, to let her know that I do love her, and that I’ll make it happen, somehow.

Comments

[lawrencegillies.livejournal.com]

Very nice! Very emotive!

On a proof reading note: "I’ve had my allies turn my back on me" - their backs, surely?

[adze.livejournal.com]

Thanks - now editted.

[lanfykins.livejournal.com]

remember Jamie’s hackneyed line, that “Personal is not the same as important.” I’ve never bought into it.

I think in some ways that's the main difference between MSR and Sulien.

I also think MSR's the one who's right.

Nice piece.

[kathminchin.livejournal.com]

*hugs poor poor MSR who definitly doesn't deserve this*